Permission to Be the “Bad Guy”
Understanding people pleasing in first-generation, immigrant, and BIPOC adults
Once a week, I would have this conversation with my loved ones or other first-gen/immigrant friends. And yes, even with myself.
"I know I need to say no. I can't seem to do it."
If that sounds like you, here's something that might seem wild coming from a therapist. Be the "bad guy."
Now, I don’t mean it as go out there and YOLO or act indifferent to the people you love. I mean putting down the constant, exhausting labor of managing everyone else's comfort before your own: the aunties, abuelas, the uncles, the coworkers, the group chat.
Why does this run so deep in our communities?
Mainstream advice treats people pleasing as low self-esteem or poor boundaries. The thing is, for many of us, that misses the point and can leave you feeling like something is wrong with you when nothing is!
Many of us probably learned to read the room before we learned to walk. It was perhaps when a parent came home after a hard day that we scanned their face at the door. For us, anticipating a mood was how we anticipated safety and security. If you translated documents or sat in on your own parent-teacher conference, you were doing adult work before you had adult capacity. And if you are the only person who looks like you at work, you may have learned that being “agreeable” and “likable” is protective.
How to tell the difference?
A few questions that may help you discern:
Did I choose this, or comply with it? A chosen yes has agency. Compliance feels inevitable.
Am I giving from capacity, or from debt? Care from a full cup restores you while care that pays off an unspoken debt drains you.
Can I say no without a whole story? If it needs an apology tour or a made-up excuse, that is telling you something. Listen.
Do I feel resentment afterward? Resentment is not a flaw; rather, it is information. It shows up right where a boundary was needed and not honored. Your body can tell.
Practicing the no
A single dramatic conversation rarely defines boundaries in collectivist families. More often they are small and not-so-cute adjustments, repeated over time, that slowly change what people expect from you.
The good news is you don't need to have a whole speech ready. Maybe it’s just "Not right now, “It’s not within my scope,”, “Let me check my capacity and get back to you”, or "No, thank you."
Now, let’s be for real. Expect guilt and expect pushback, because people who benefited from your role may resist and react with big emotions. However, please do expect it to get MUCH easier. Every time you decline and the relationship survives, your body collects proof that the danger you braced for is not the danger in front of you.
At the end of the day, I want you to remember that being the "bad guy/gal" sometimes is how you stay available AND well for the people who truly matter.
Put it into practice.
The companion Permission Slip Worksheet walks you through your own pattern one step at a time. You will name it, trace where it came from, count what it has cost you, write your own script, and get ready for the discomfort that follows. You got this!
🌱 Looking for one-on-one support?
Unlearning these patterns is slow, tender work, and it was never meant to be done alone. If this named something you have been carrying, I offer culturally affirming, justice-centered, and trauma-informed therapy for first-generation, immigrant, and BIPOC adults.
✨ Book a free consultation at thrivewithkiki.com/contact
With Care,
Kiki
This resource is for educational purposes and is not therapy or clinical advice. If these patterns are affecting your daily functioning, working with a licensed mental health professional can help.
